Friday, March 29, 2013

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Quentin: Today we went to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation. We planned on seeing The Place Beyond the Pines, but it didn’t open in Austin.

Jason: I wish our Flixster app would tell us when something is opening in limited release.

Quentin: That would be nice. We’ll go see it next week. Anyway, Jake is sitting here ready to explode.

Jake: <beats his head against the table> I’m pissed.

Jason: Don’t you love it when he gets this way?

Quentin: It’s rare. Not like I disagree with him, though. Do you?

Jason: Of course not. This movie is…what’s the word?

Jake: An insult.

Jason. Yes. An insult to moviegoers.

Jake: Thank you. It really is. There are some movies that make you shake your head and wonder what went wrong, because the good intentions are obvious. But this is not one of those movies. 

Quentin: Once word of mouth spreads, it’s toast.

Jake: And we are going to do everything we can to spread that word. DON’T GO SEE THIS MOVIE! It sucks. And worse than it sucking, no one is even trying. Not the screenwriter, not the director, and certainly not the stars. I wanted my money back. We usually drop a trailer into the post here, but I refuse to promote the movie by linking to it.

Quentin: Jake, do you want to just take it from here?

Jason: I’m okay with that.

Jake: I would be happy to. Maybe it’s our fault for not even glancing at reviews, but I was under the impression this movie starred Channing Tatum. That’s one of the reasons I agreed to see it over The Host.

Quentin: Tatum is a good movie star.

Jason: But he’s a wooden actor.

Jake: I like him. So imagine my shock and horror when I find out he is only in the movie for 15 minutes.

Quentin: And even then, during those 15 minutes, he was saddled with Johnson. I can only describe their onscreen anti-chemistry as disturbing.

Jake: It’s the worst…well, let me think about it. I have to make sure I consider everything. No, I’m 100% certain this takes the cake. It’s the worst action movie banter I’ve ever heard.

Jason: Cringe-worthy.

Jake: I knew that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was gone from the first one, but after Tatum disappeared, I’m sitting there questioning my sanity. Am I actually going to watch Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for 75 minutes? I would never do that voluntarily. And then Bruce Willis wanders in as the “original” Joe and I’m this close to walking out, except I take my responsibility as a movie critic very seriously.

Quentin: Willis looked like he was lost.

Jason: Or on leave from another franchise.

Jake: And not just him. Everything here is recycled. There isn’t an original or thoughtful frame in the entire movie. The one cool action sequence on the side of a mountain was lifted straight from Mission: Impossible. And then it ends with the exact same four-story, painted-so-red-you-can’t-miss-it cliché as last week.  But oh my god, this movie makes Olympus Has Fallen look like Citizen Kane. Please, I’m begging our readers, do not encourage this kind of filmmaking by buying a ticket. Jon M. Chu is a hack and this movie is an act of violence against the viewing public.

Jason: He’s the same guy who directed the impossibly bad Step Up sequels.

Jake: Everyone involved knew this was a piece of shit, but it’s intended to make fast money in a slow month and to take advantage of our good will. We show up to the theater every week, and all we ask is that they try. This is a waste of film.

Quentin: It’s like watching porn without the sex.

Jake: How do you always come up with the best lines?

Quentin: I’m a naturally gifted wit.

Jason: Half-wit, maybe.

Quentin: Hey, little brother. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.

Jason: I will not miss you. I can’t wait.

Jake: Someone better explain before people get the wrong idea.

Jason: Quentin got his acceptance letter from UT last week.

Jake: Congratulations, dude.

Quentin: Thank you.

Jason: And as is the Walsh tradition, that means he will be moving into the garage apartment over the summer, and I will get my own bathroom. I have no idea how you manage to pee all over the toilet rim every single morning.

Quentin: I have bad aim when I’m asleep.

Jason: I agree with everything you said, McAlister. Except I must point out D.J. Cotrona and the hot Asian boy.

Jake: What a missed opportunity! When are we going to see our first post-DADT movie? Just drop a gay romance into one of these mainstream soldier films as if it’s no big deal. Because it isn’t. People will not be uncomfortable with it.

Jason: Not after this week.

Quentin: Ben was in heaven. He made us listen to the audio of the SCOTUS arguments. Both days.

Jason: I’m glad he did, though. You could really hear who’s a bigot.

Jake: What did you think of American Idol?

Quentin: You mean American Karaoke?

Jason: I don’t understand Lazaro.

Quentin: He is a Las in search of a Vegas.

Jason: Nicki called him Fonzie. Who’s Fonzie?

Jake: I loved Janelle.

Jason: She was awesome.

Quentin: She’s in it to win it.

Jason: Burnell really stank up the room this week.

Quentin: Anything I say about him would only sound hateful.

Jake: When has that stopped you before?

Quentin: I think you’ve said everything there is to say about this movie. To waist any more ink on it would be criminal.

Jason: Three thumbs down.

Jake: Way down. Below the equator down. So far down that I would rather watch Hansel & Gretel again.

Quentin: Ouch. That's harsh, dude.


  1. Ok, I won't be seeing a double feature of Olympus and GI Joe this weekend. I'm glad you guys took the bullet (no pun intended) once again for your loyal followers this one. What are those famous words? Ah yes, "The pen is mightier than the sword"...and you guys proved it so well with your review. And now I have those extra 118 minutes to mow the lawn this weekend. BTW, how about inserting a countdown widget for Brads next book on your blog. What can I say, fans are a greedy lot...

  2. Great idea, Betty. I just added the widget. Q.

  3. I love the widget. You will probably have a lot of hits on your blog now because I'll be back often to check it and I'll be doing a lot of fist pumps of YES, YES, YES as the clock ticks down.

  4. You know how Jake loves pageviews. Jason =)