Quentin: That was not at all what I expected.
Jason: Today we went to see, big surprise, Man of Steel.
Jake: I actually wanted to see This Is the End. I’m just not that invested in Superman.
Quentin: I want to see that too, so maybe we’ll go this weekend and do another review.
Jason: Might as well, since school’s out.
Jake: What were you expecting, Q?
Quentin: Something more in line with tradition.
Jake: Why? I know he didn’t direct it, but Christopher Nolan’s fingerprints are all over this.
Jason: It’s definitely the Dark Knight treatment. I can’t say I was surprised.
Quentin: I’m not surprised he gave it the Dark Knight treatment. I’m surprised it didn’t work. I am invested in Superman. I’ve watched every Christopher Reeve movie, and I can’t believe I’m going to admit this, but all ten seasons of Smallville too. One of the things I loved about the TV show was that it was always in a kind of storytelling dialogue with the movies. This version completely divorces itself from that tradition, and I’m not sure it did them any favors.
Jake: Should we start with what we liked?
Jason: Henry Cavill.
Jake: He’s stunning. Easily one of the most beautiful men on the planet.
Jason: I’m surprised they didn’t shave his chest.
Quentin: He’s the best thing about the movie. And Amy Adams too. Even though watching Lois Lane get wrapped up in the biggest military operation ever was a little ridiculous.
Jake: Individually, I thought they were both great. But together, they had the chemistry of wet noodles.
Jason: What happened to Russell Crowe?
Quentin: He looked like he wandered in from the Royal Shakespeare Company’s production of Hamlet or something. One of the weirdest performances I’ve ever seen.
Jake: I liked the mosaic structure of the narrative; the way it bounces back and forth in the timeline without place and date stamps. I really appreciated the impressionist feel it gave to the movie.
Quentin: But it’s a comic book story, and they sucked all the fun out of it.
Jason: Not all.
Quentin: Most then.
Jake: Did anyone else notice that the infant Cal-El was exceptionally well hung?
Quentin: That was funny as hell. It looked like the CGI department gave the kid a little something extra down there.
Jake: Superboy penis enhancement.
Jason: And did anyone notice all the Jesus allegory?
Quentin: Oh my god, how could you miss it?
Jake: They really pounded that home, didn’t they? I dug up this older poster that illustrates what we're talking about.
Jason: Was it strange that he flies for the first time when he’s 33 years old?
Quentin: No, that made sense to me, because he doesn’t learn to fly until the end of the last season on Smallville. I would like to talk about a recent trend I’ve noticed, though. Okay, so this is a superhero action movie, and as such requires a certain number of action set pieces. I get that. And part of the formula is the final action sequence. I get that too.
Jake: I know what you’re going to say.
Quentin: The last hour of this movie felt like one long fight. The final action sequence has gotten longer and longer over the last few years, until now it’s about half the film. Wow, don’t get me wrong. I love stuff blowing up just as much as the next teenage boy, but come on.
Jason: it was too much. The level of violence and destruction is very high.
Jake: It didn’t feel like he saved the world.
Quentin: Can we talk about what we didn’t like?
Jake: I think we already crossed that line.
Quentin: I thought the whole thing was overdesigned, especially the alien technology. The Phantom Zone was too much and I didn’t like the Fortress of Solitude at all. They added a whole new layer to the mythology, which felt unnecessary to me. No Jimmy Olsen. No Lex Luthor. The movie was totally humorless. Except for maybe three or four moments of comic relief, there was no banter.
Jason: It’s not a banter kind of movie.
Quentin: Then I think it’s taking itself way too seriously.
Jason: Henry Cavill is certainly the most serious Superman ever.
Jake: I did learn something from watching this.
Jason: What’s that?
Jake: If aliens ever make it to Earth, we are seriously going to get our asses kicked.
Quentin: No doubt, dude. We would be totally fucked.
Jason: There was too much focus on the battle between Cal-El and Zod. That left the human race out on the sidelines, and I think it hurt the story.
Quentin: I agree. Of course, at a certain point, I realized this was all an origin story, just like Smallville.
Jason: They could rewrite whatever they wanted, as long as they got to a certain point at the end.
Quentin: Exactly. And Smallville rewrote things way more extensively, but it didn’t bother me as much. I think I might like the next installment better, actually. It may be more of the Superman I’m looking for, except they changed the relationship between Lois and Clark.
Jake: At every turn, it felt like they wanted to go in a new direction.
Jason: Purists are not going to like this. At all.
Jake: I’m watching the box office closely. If this tanks, it could be the end of the franchise.
Quentin: Especially after the Brandon Routh fiasco.
Jason: I didn’t mind that one so much.
Quentin: Oh, come on.
Jake: That was a real stinker.
Jason: Like we haven’t disagreed before. I find it hard to believe that anything could kill this franchise. It’s too iconic.
Quentin: <yawns> I need a nap.
Jason: It took you two days to get onto your summer schedule.
Jake: When did you go to bed last night?
Quentin: 4 am.
Quentin: I like being up at night. It’s too hot during the day for me.
Jake: You are all hat and no cattle.
Quentin: Thank you, Travis. Are we doing another giveaway next week?
Jake: Yep. Five e-book copies of #TheReturn on release day.
Jason: And next Friday is World War Z.
Quentin: I’m actually looking forward to White House Down.
Jake: Hopefully Channing Tatum won’t die in the first fifteen minutes of this one. Oops, did I just spoil G.I. Joe?