Friday, February 15, 2013

Safe Haven

Quentin Walsh: I just want to point out that I went to this movie under protest.

Jason Walsh: It was my fault. I didn’t want to see Beautiful Creatures.

Jake McAlister: And I refused to see an action movie with a senior citizen. 

Jason: It had its moments.

Quentin: Come on. They were few and far between. We decided not to spoil the ending, right?

Jake: Yeah. That would be kind of douchey of us.

Quentin: Well, that was the only part I thought was even remotely interesting. 

Jason: I thought the set up was nice.

Quentin: Nice. That’s the last adjective anyone wants to hear when they make a movie. It’s a story in search of a second act. Look, there are a lot of things here that are annoying as hell. Far be it for me to criticize the use of adorable kids, but the son is not a character. He’s a plot device. His emotional reversals made no sense. He’s pissed off when they need an obstacle, and then he’s all warm and fuzzy when they need a sunset on the water moment.

Jake: I think when you write in a certain wheelhouse all the time, the ideas are bound to get stale.

Jason: You mean Nicholas Sparks?

Jake: Yes. We should go on the record right now. None of us are opposed to a good love story.

Jason: Not at all. In fact, we got Notebooked this weekend.

Quentin: Yes, Travis found out we were going to see this movie and made us watch The Notebook.

Jake: Dude, I saw you crying at the end.

Quentin: Me? What about you? “Oh, Jason.” Smooch, smooch, smooch. “I love you.” Smooch, smooch, smooch. “Let’s go canoeing through a bevy of swans.” I mean, really. Swans? Gosling must have been rolling his eyes.

Jason:  You can’t deny it works. Spectacularly. 

Quentin: It works. In a totally manipulative kind of way.

Jake: What did you think of fun. Tuesday night?

Quentin: They were cool.

Jason: Can you explain to me why someone would bring a three-year-old to a concert at Stubbs?

Jake: My dad almost said something to the guy.

Quentin: That’s no place for a young child. I mean, we practically got high off the second-hand pot smoke.

Jake: And it’s an outdoor venue.

Jason: Ben kept saying Nate is like a young Mick Jagger.

Jake: He’s cuter in person.

Jason: Adorable.

Quentin: Can I go on a rant about this movie?

Jake: Be my guest.

Quentin: Okay. Here’s the problem. I get that it’s a mash up. A romance mixed with a thriller. They announce that in the cold opening. I’m onboard. Katie is running from some kind of trouble, lands in a small southern town, and falls in love with the local widower. We don’t know what she’s running from. Okay, I get it. Then Robin from How I Met Your Mother shows up. We don’t know why a character from a TV show has wandered into this movie. So, of course, those are the two big reveals we’re waiting for. What is Katie running from? And why is she talking to Robin Scherbatsky? The first one is a disaster, and the second one could have been amazing, if only they had cast a different actress.

Jason: Can we say it involved a letter?

Jake: Yes. And I’m a sucker for that device.

Quentin: But didn’t they realize that the character came off like a creepy lesbian stalker? That ruined the reveal for me at the end. And it made me feel like a moron, because I thought the friendship between the two women had a sinister edge to it.

Jake: So did I.

Jason: I don’t think that’s what they intended.

Quentin: Then they failed.

Jason: This is harder than I thought.

Quentin: Talking around the ending?

Jason: Yeah.

Quentin: See? I told you.

Jake: Did you see it coming?

Quentin: No. Did you?

Jake and Jason: No.

Quentin: I saw the first one coming. That was obvious.

Jake: And it produced one of the worst villains I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.

Quentin: I agree. Once again, not a character but a plot device. He’s a two-dimensional piece of shit who exists solely for one purpose.

Jake: To turn a short story into a novel.

Quentin: Exactly. I wanted to see a well-crafted movie that takes the two genres and seamlessly melds them into one compelling narrative. What I got instead was a romance with a thriller stuffed into it. Literally, the movie has a click where it switches over.

Jason: I know what you mean.

Jake: First it’s The Notebook, then it turns into Sleeping with the Enemy, then it turns back into The Notebook at the end.

Quentin: What’s Sleeping with the Enemy?

Jake: A movie with Julia Roberts, from the early ‘90s. My mom loves Julia Roberts, so I’ve seen all her movies.

Jason: What’s it about?

Jake: Here’s the IMDb summary: “Laura and Martin have been married for four years. They seem to be the perfect, happiest and most successful couple. The reality of their household, however, is very different. Martin is an abusive and brutally obsessed husband. Laura is living her life in constant fear and waits for a chance to escape. She finally stages her own death, and flees to a new town and new identity. But when Martin finds out that his wife is not dead he will stop at nothing to find and kill her.”

Quentin: Jesus. That’s the movie we just saw. Except the part about faking her death.

Jason: Katie should have thought of that.

Jake: She needs to watch more Julia Roberts movies.

Jason: I tried watching The Carrie Diaries.

Quentin: I’d rather eat glass.

Jake: What did you think?

Jason: Well, they’re building storylines around missing gerbils. In the third episode.

Quentin: That’s never a good sign.

Jake: Doesn’t she have a gay friend?

Jason: Yeah. Walt. He’s not out yet, though, and it’s tough to watch. He’s really struggling with it. I feel his pain.

Jake: I’m watching Will and Sonny.

Quentin: Who are Will and Sonny?

Jake: The gay characters on Days of our Lives.

Quentin: The soap opera? I didn’t even know those were still around.

Jake: I don’t watch it on TV. Some guy on YouTube edits the scenes from their storyline and posts them every day. It’s ridiculously fun. Lies, betrayal, blackmail, paternity fights, ruined weddings.

Quentin: Jason, have you seen any of this?

Jason. Yes. They are cute, I have to admit. Will is dreamy, but just as stupid as a post. Sonny’s looking a little frumpy in that apron all the time. And if we were old enough, I could come up with an awesome drinking game.

Jake: I know what you’re going to say.

Jason: Take a shot every time someone says, “I just want what’s best for the baby.” You’ll be under the table in no time.

Quentin: What was your favorite trailer?

Jake: So easy.

Jason: Gatsby.

Jake: Gatsby.

Quentin: Gatsby. I just wish Dad was around to see it.

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