Friday, January 25, 2013

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Quentin, Jason, and Jake went to see Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters after school. Turns out they wish they hadn't.

Quentin Walsh: Jesus, what a mess.

Jake McAlister: Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but close.

Jason Walsh: Are we just going to talk about how bad it was?

Jake: No. We're going to talk about Jeremy Renner.

Quentin: Good idea. I have two questions in mind. Can you guess what they are?

Jake: Why did he make the movie?

Quentin: That’s the first one.

Jason: We could do a whole roundtable on Jeremy Renner’s career. What happened?

Quentin: That’s not quite what I had in mind. Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?

Jason: I don’t think so. This movie is a game changer, and not for the better. How will he go out in public this weekend? Everyone will be asking him why he made it.

Jake: He should just wear a T-shirt with the answer.

Jason: What would it say?

Quentin: "I did it for the beach house."

Jason: It's so disappointing.

Quentin: Let's back up a little. No reason to dig his grave just yet.

Jake: You don't think this is a career killer?

Quentin: No way. I admit it was a huge misstep. But look, the dude is an amazing actor. We saw that in The Hurt Locker.

Jason: And The Town.

Jake: He was almost better in The Town.

Quentin: So what happened?

Jake: I can only imagine the conversation with his agent.

Jason: <picks up his phone and plays the agent> Jeremy hon, it's me. Your agent.

Jake: <picks up his phone and plays Jeremy Renner> What in the f*** do you want? Didn't I tell you I was taking a break? I did Mission Impossible. I did The Avengers. And now, thanks to you, I had the honor of starring in the worst Bourne movie ever made. Someone told me the other day that the first 45 minutes were so boring they turned it off to watch golf. Golf!

Jason: Jeremy, hon, relax. Calm down. This will be an easy $5 million.

Jake: What's it called?

Jason: It's a reboot of Hansel & Gretel.

Jake: Hansel & Gretel? Who the f*** are they? And who starred in the original?

Jason: No one remembers. It's some Norwegian director. He's doing a kind of steampunk Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They'll probably add something to the title, like "Witch Hunters." To give it a twist.

Jason: Witch Hunters? You've got to be f***ing kidding me. You do remember I got two Oscar nominations, don't you?

Quentin: Okay, enough. The guy is not a douche bag. I've read some interviews with him. He's in it for all the right reasons.

Jason: There is no right reason where this movie is concerned.

Jake: Look, he’s a bad ass. I get where your admiration comes from. But if I had any doubts that he’s turned into a total franchise whore, this puts them to rest. Four in a row, dude. Mission Impossible, Avengers, Bourne, and now this. I think we've lost him to the dark side.

Quentin: He’ll be back. Watch. Lowlife looks like it might be good.

Jake: Did you guys watch The Following Monday night?

Quentin: Did we watch it? I couldn't turn away. We haven’t been glued to the TV like that since The Walking Dead.

Jason: Except for Travis. He had to leave the room. He hates that kind of stuff.

Quentin: Back to Renner.

Jake: What was the second question?

Quentin: What do you mean?

Jake: You said you had two questions.

Quentin: Oh. Right. Why didn't he phone in his performance?

Jake: You thought he was good?

Quentin: I thought he was very good.

Jason: Me too. He never gave up. Even when it must have been clear he was making a turkey.

Jake: You two are smoking something, right?

<Quentin and Jason look at each other and smile.>

Jake: What?

Jason: A couple of nights ago, Ben and Travis came in from the back yard, and I swear we smelled weed on them.

Jake: No way. Ben?

Quentin: Of course, he denied it, especially after what Jason did in New York.

Jake: Yeah, but that was before we were together.

Jason: You are a stabilizing force in my life, good looking.

Jake: But you still thought Renner was good in this?

Jason: He’s a very charismatic actor. I think I could watch him read the phone book. In fact, if the movie had been just Hansel: Witch Hunter, I might have actually enjoyed it.

Jake: The only character I liked was Ben. They should make a movie about him.

Quentin: We are predisposed to like characters named Ben. Didn't you love the way they kept pronouncing Hansel’s name? Hahn-sel. Like he’s the goddamned King of England or something.

Jason: There’s going to be some fan fiction about Hahn-sel and Ben.

Quentin: Gross.

Jake: At least we got to see Renner shirtless.

Jason: Yeah, but no ass shot.

Quentin: We got an ass shot of the chick.

Jake: I know. So where’s the eye candy for the gay boys? We like a nice ass shot too.
What did you think of the special effects?

Jason and Quentin: Cheesy.

Jason: Ha! Great minds.

Quentin: You could see the money, but not the imagination. Not a single original moment in the fight scenes. Everything was derivative. The troll looked like Shrek. The witches looked like they were straight from The Mummy.

Jason: Ouch. What a terrible waste of film that was.

Jake: And the guns.

Jason: Yes, always with the guns. We've talked about this before. I’m done with movies where the solution to the “big problem” is “get more guns.”

Quentin: They should have quit with that after The Matrix.

Jake: “What do you need? Besides a miracle.”

Quentin: “Guns. Lots of guns.”

Jason: I forgot about that. We should watch that tonight. Just to get the stink of these witch hunters off me.

Quentin: Best part of the movie?

Jake: The trailer for Star Trek.

1 comment:

  1. Brad, this is classic, so funny, these boys know exactly what they're on about. And Ben and Travis smoking weed? Surely not. I love Jeremy Renner with his shirt and his trousers off too.And I'm a huge Star Trek fan as you might have gathered from my tweets and my FB posts so again - kudos to the boys!